Goals (delusions?)

 

We have been soaking up the sun and quality time together in Hawaii in celebration of our five year wedding anniversary and as a last hoorah before the baby comes.

My husband was quite sick when we arrived - the result of a long, stressful season at work and hard training for his THREE Ironman races this summer - so we've really eased into things.

When we left on this trip, I hoped we'd find a way to discuss baby names, if I should look for a new job, what our summer would look like, what time my husband will take off when the baby comes, and what we hope our families will do in terms of visits.

So far, we've only talked about what we hope to instill in our children - not on the list but interesting nonetheless. Our list currently includes:

1. A sincere and meaningful faith in God
2. An appreciation for His blessings and a commitment to serving others
3. Good manners
4. A sense of humor
5. A love of reading
6. A love of play - especially sports and the outdoors
7. An independent spirit and a strong sense of confidence

It will be interesting to see how our list evolves and, of course, how our children evolve! One of the books I'm reading now says that raising theoretical kids is so very easy while raising real kids is so very hard, so I'm well aware that we have no idea how our life will really unfold!

 

 

Book Reviews: Meh

(Source)

 

It's really hard to find good books, I've decided.

I recently read two which I didn't love - Daughters for a Time by Jennifer Handford and The Replacement Wife by Eileen Goudger.

The first tells the story of a woman's battle with infertility, her journey to adopt, and the unexpected ways her family continues to grow. The second is about a woman who thinks she has just months to love and so sets out to find a replacement wife for her husband only to see her plan unfold in a heartbreaking way.

For me, a good book allows me to really connect with the character and to root for her, feel her emotions, and wonder what happens to her beyond the final page. I just didn't feel that connection for either of these women - even though I find the idea of a replacement wife to be totally fascinating!

Any suggestions for good summer reading?

Relaxing into the Overwhelmed

I'm at Canyon Ranch, a beautiful spa in the Berkshires, with my mom. We have been here a few times before and always have an amazing time. It is relaxing, the beds are heavenly, we get to work our bodies hard during the day and relax with massages at night, and the food is both delicious and healthy.

This is, however, the first time I've been here pregnant. I'm not in good shape, thanks to 13 weeks of morning-sickness induced couch sitting; I can't do most ab work during the day or sleep on my stomach at night; and I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed in general about the massive change that is ahead.

Plus, something about being here always makes me feel a bit sad - knowing that this isn't the real world, knowing that I can't always be with my mom, knowing that something is so sweet here and knowing that this sweetness won't carry over into the rest of the world. It all adds up to a small pit in my stomach - one that gets worse as approach our departure.

Of course I also savor every moment - how good it feels to eat only good food, deep sleep, beginning to work my muscles again, walking out into the sunshine, sharing meals with my mom, having far fewer distractions, and just feeling able to sink into the day in a really unusual - and peaceful - way.

But mostly, I am feeling unprepared to be a mother. It perplexes me, because as an only child, I craved time with babies. I babysat like crazy, coo over every friend's new baby, and always thought I'd have a big family. And now that it's approaching, I am terrified. What will it mean for our marriage? How will I deal with being so tired? Will I work or not? If I don't work, will I become neurotic and obsessed with my children? If I do work, will I be the frazzled mom dragging her child down the subway steps, running late and her suit covered in spit up? I just have no idea how it's going to work, and I'm embarassed by how detatched I feel from the new life that is growing and how my fear is dominating my thoughts.

It is overwhelming.

Husband and Wife at 18 Weeks

I think he's hardly showing, don't you?!

Women's War on Women

"Modern mothers have a serious problem on their hands

and it's other mothers."

So begins a review in the Wall Street Journal of Elizabeth Badinter's The Conflict: How Modern Motherhood Undermines the Status of Women. As I wrote earlier this week, there is nothing like parenting to rile people up and bring out our most judgmental, critical selves. This is obvious to me even though my child-to-be is only the size of a bell pepper this week.

According to the author, there is an increasingly prevalent philosophy of parenting that idolizes attachment parenting, organic this, all-natural that, disposable diapers, no epidurals, on-demand breast feeding, and so on - and is hyper critical of all who chose another path. As a result, much of the natural joy of motherhood has disappeared, as mothers are either held hostage by the principles of the philosophy they've adopted or shamed by other mothers who ardently believe their way is the only way.

She seems to feel that many women have been sold a false bill of goods due to the "marketing" of this philosophy as a feminist principle by which women are (only?) living out their true calling by following this extreme pattern of parenting/motherhood, losing themselves and the many other dimensions of their personalities in the process.

Because she is French, the author notes that in France, the general perception is that motherhood is (still) a joyful undertaking, and one that contributes to - but does not define - a woman's overall identity. Importantly, she notes that French women do not give up sex or their sexuality when they have children - which means no co-sleeping and no "ardent" breastfeeding and doctors who ask "is le monsieur happy?"

I read this review with interest, and as someone who has no idea what life is like as a mother. But it does make sense to me that sometimes women are our own worst enemies when it comes to judging choices and elevating our own way of doing things to the detriment of other mothers. The brou-ha-ha surrounding Ann Romney's decision to raise five boys is an example of this - what good is done, for me or for you, by me criticizing your choices?

Likewise, it makes sense to me that as humans - and as women - we crave a wide variety of responsibilities, activities, hobbies, and commitments. In the tunnel-vision that seems to be motherhood - especially early motherhood - it seems important that we (I) keep an eye on the broad balance in my life. Perhaps date nights are less frequent and hobbies are temporarily put on hold - but when I look back over the months, I hope to see that I have retained what made me ME before I became a mother, hopefully to the benefit of myself, my marriage, and our new child.

But that's just my perspective...what's yours?

Friends who Disagree

With a bell pepper now growing in my belly, I have a feeling a whole new category of "articles that intrigue me" is about to be added to my roster. Until now, those categories were limited to marriage, healthy foods/vegan diets, cooking, and travel.

But parenting - whoa. I've only barely opened the lid on that one and I don't like what I see - major disputes about ways to feed, schedule, clothe, and generally raise your baby. And judgment - lots and lots of judgment.

What is it about parenting that gets people so fired up and removes the graciousness and "let's agree to disagree" attitude that seems to define even the most contentious debates - abortion, politics, and religion? It seems to be a wild free-for-all and if you have a child - or are pregnant, or even thinking about getting pregnant - brace yourself for a flood of opinions.

I like information. I like to hear what worked for you and what didn't. But pregnancy and life as a new mom seems to be such a fragile, precious time (in the most wonderful of ways) that to force your opinions on someone else seems just plain rude to me.

And so I read with interest this article from Sunday's New York Times about friends who were friends until they fought about how to raise their children and friends who were friends until one "went off the deep end" to an extreme way of parenting - be it a strict schedule or attachment parenting overload - and alienated those around them. As the article says, "nothing can sink a friendship like differences over parenting."

But just why is this the case? I think the article gets it right and noting that how I chose to raise my children says something about what I value, how I prioritize my time and other resources, and what I think is "best". If this doesn't mesh with your choices, suddenly our entire relationship seems questionable - "I thought I knew her so well - why is she being so mean and forcing her child to only eat every 3 hours?" or "I can't believe she doesn't ever leave her child at home with a sitter - I want to see my friend without a baby attached to her breast 24/7!"

These and other similar reactions seem to speak to something in our very core that is threatened, upset, or just plain confused by how we reconcile our own choices in a world that may choose differently, and how we do - or don't - see friends as more than the sum of their parenting choices.

If our kids are what we eat, as I mentioned yesterday, are they also everything else we choose?

Coming Out of the Dark

18 weeks and 3 days into this adventure, I'm finally catching my breath. The last 13 weeks - the sickness set in at 5 weeks - have been tremendously difficult. Staying on top of school, work, and handling two moves in six weeks just about did me in.

But as of last Thursday, we are settled in a new home. It's beautiful, spacious, and on a quiet, tree-lined street on Manhattan's Upper West Side. We're just a few blocks away from Magnolia Bakery, Juice Generation, and Vive la Crepe. It's amazing what a difference it makes to feel like we are finally home.

A welcome dose of normalcy came yesterday when I attempted (and survived) my first real workout - a Soul Cycle spin class - and yet again this morning when I returned to Physique57 for the first time since January.

After months of take-out, I also returned to the kitchen, making Slow-Cooker Vegetable Stew and Vegetarian Tacos. The veggie stew was just so-so (though very easy) but we both loved the veggie tacos.

On the menu for this week? Orecchiette with Creamy Sauce and Pork Fajitas.

My nearly three years as a vegan are gone, at least temporarily. I was so sick, for so long, that I was eating whatever I could stomach. I've not eaten red meat or fish, but I am eating cheese and eggs. I'm a bit overwhelmed at the thought of an entire person growing inside of me (one that is the size of a bell pepper this week, apparently!) and I knew I didn't have the stomach or the energy to really map out my nutritional needs if I was going to continue to avoid big food groups (even though I firmly believe it's possible). I'm just resuming some normal (read: garbage-free) eating routines and am so thankful that fruits and veggies are palatable again. Also on the food front, I revisited this article called "You Are What I Eat" which I remember reading in Oprah Magazine several years ago.

One of the most beautiful sections: She is everything I ate and still she is a mystery, that unnameable, unknowable ingredient none of us contributed, whatever it is that makes her her. That is a story she will have to tell us.
Also on tap in the days ahead - I could not be more excited to be heading to Canyon Ranch with my mom for a 3 day weekend. And just as special - my husband and I are going to Hawaii for a week to celebrate our five year anniversary (on May 5, nonetheless!). It will be a gift to really unplug, relax, and soak up some quality time together.

So that's my little update, for those of you who are kind enough to keep checking in on me! Thanks so much for reading.